When I Had Daddy Issues

So I came across this very interesting post over on CurlyNikki, Writing a Letter to Your Absent Father For the woman who wrote the article, not having a father brought on a lot of pain and contributed to how she viewed herself. .Even though my parents divorced when I was really young,  my father was very much present in my life until I reached mid-teen years. In fact as far as I was concerned, I had "three homes" when I was a kid; my Nana's house in Harlem, my father's house in East New York Brooklyn, and the Douglass Housing Projects on the Upper West Side of Manhattan with my mother and great-grandmother. I was shuffled back and forth between these places on school days and on weekends, if I stayed with my dad he drove me all the way from ENY to school in Manhattan.

But weirdly, I can relate to an "absent father"  for my teen years. I used to think that "daddy issues" weren't a real thing, but looking back I know that's what I had at some point. The reason why him and I were out of touch for a while sucks; let's just say I was under the impression that he no longer cared to see Whole Sister and I, which left me feeling really hurt. I was so used to him driving me around to see family, spending evenings playing "old school" video games like Pac Man and Moon Patrol, making breakfast together in the mornings--in which case I had a habit of spilling uncooked grits all over the place and he would get mad and immediately begin moping and cleaning and curse how such a small amount of grits could spread all over the kitchen. He would take us to his friends' house and show off how smart and artistic I was; he taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels and what to do when your car makes certain noises. We laughed at his attempts of trying to put my hair in a ponytail or attempting to tie my hair up in my headscarf. We prayed together and recited from the Qu'ran as he gave me more Arabic lessons. All of this suddenly seemed to disappear, and I was so angry when I thought he simply disliked me. Looking back, I realize since I didn't have much of an emotional connection to my mother, my father was the only parent I really had and here I was assuming he no longer loved me. I wrote poems cursing his existence and disregarding anything he said the few times I spoke to him on the phone.

When I think about that time period I realize that I only got a "taste" of what many must feel like having an absent father and how much it actually hurts. I know some go through life looking for love because they don't feel it and it's said to be much worse if you're a girl with no dad in your life. I went through my teenage years doing a lot of things and feeling certain ways about myself because I thought I was unloved mainly by my father who seemed to love me before, so what had I done wrong? When you come from a big family it's easy to get lost, especially if you're "doing what you're supposed to" then you won't be given extra attention. I always felt like I got a lot of attention from my dad. I will never forget the time when he picked me up from Manhattan and I had professed to him that I was "starving" and he literally took that as I wasn't getting fed with my mother and was alarmed and angry. I remember getting to eat a lot that weekend, and be asked if I was hungry every five seconds while he called to yell at my mother on the phone. Once he realized I was just being dramatic he laughed and said I had a great vocabulary (my mother was naturally upset with me because who would want to be accused of such a thing?)

My pops and I don't always see eye to eye, but he's never made me feel ashamed. Now that I'm an adult I see that while I'm still his daughter he respects me as a person and says I turned out amazing. These days we can enjoy silly jokes and memories about his "quirkiness" when I was a child and understand where I get most of it from, talk about politics and current events, and go shopping for electronics. He may not have ever told me I was "beautiful" or that I was "his little princess" and come to think of it I don't really remember him saying "I love you" so often but I know he does and in my teenage years he spent a lot of his time trying to reach out to me, even when he thought he  might not make it back to the States after traveling abroad due to an illness.

This isn't to say every home "needs" a father because families are so diverse, but every child deserves to have someone who will show they love and care about them like my father did.