The Complication that is Family

Lately I have been having dreams that are variations of incidents that have actually occurred. They are pretty much like what would've happened if I turned left at that corner instead of right, or if I bought the gray one instead of green--except the circumstances are more extreme. The dreams have involved people I know, notably family, which I saw this past weekend at a 90th birthday party for a relative I had never met. I do attend family functions more often then I used to; before I could not handle being there with certain people that would irritate/trigger me into a fit of rage for one reason or another. I love my family don't get me wrong, but most need to be kept at a safe distance in order for me to continue my journey on being a functioning young adult.

What I realized of course, is that I still am deeply connected to my kinfolk and whether I like it or not I think about them all the time. I actively ponder about my siblings on a daily basis because I can't help being a big sister. When I saw my 8 year old brother at the party, he had been pouting at first until I called him over to sit and eat with me. Suddenly he put down his Nintendo DS and started rambling about everything, and convincing me that I should at least eat chicken if no other meat instead of the "nasty" salmon on my plate. My grandmother leaned over to me and said, Boy he loves his big sister, in reference to the fact that my brother had not spoken till then. Later Mr. Smooth told me my brother had said I should live back with him (and The Mother) because it would be fun. He gave me several hugs when leaving, and even tried to act like he hugged me by mistake. Oops, I meant to hug someone else he joked. But he smiled at me and I gave him another smothering hug and he didn't shy away from it.

Sigh. I miss the little ones. Even enough to let my fifteen year old little sister spend the day with me on Monday, even though I had just seen her Saturday and she bores me with her repetative stories about her friends and stuff with her father. I took her out to breakfast and shopping at the mall and even let her have a vanilla cone at Cold Stone--which any other day would've irritated me because who the hell goes to Cold Stone for a plain flavor like that? But I digress, I had even packed some clothes I no longer want to give to her (only tops though, she's much bigger then me #womp). She was so excited for my hand-me downs, it was like I gave her money. And I'm already thinking about making a trip to Connecticut to see my other brothers and sister.

Then I thought of spending time with all my family and how nice it would be to just have them around. I think of being at Nana's house and always being stuffed with food and watching movies. I think about hair weekend with The Mother. I think about homemade gingerbread and caramel with my aunt, and playing Chinese Checkers with my great-grandmother, Big Nana. I think of birthdays and BBQs with an endless stream of cousins and the days when Papa sat me in his lap to steer the car while he worked the pedals back in East New York. I think of my paternal Grandma giving me Orange Slices and doing puzzles with me and my dad's youngest brother insisting that if I break anything expensiv money will automatically come out. And I realized these are great memories to keep and are perfectly okay to miss, because the reality is very different. I really only enjoyed time with Nana when she wasn't taking care of the many children she randomly had in her house and her husband wasn't there cursing me out for simply breathing. Hair weekend was a time when The Mother was still braiding my hair while a lifetime movie played to fill up the space between us. My aunt would bake her ass off while I visited her up in the Moutains, but unless she was scolding me for growing boobs and for being unlady like (and a little "gay") we didn't talk. I spent childhood trying to gain my mother's affection and approval, trying to understand the dynamics of my parent's relationship, and wondering why my grandmother's husband despised me so.

I've stopped myself for becoming nostalgic for a whole different past that at the time wasn't even really great for me. I love my family, but it's healthier to be away. I was reminded of that when I left the party on Saturday, realizing that I was learning to let go of the pain and move on. I need to stop dreaming about "what ifs."