On Chosen Family

In the past month or so, I've been making some significant changes to my life. I can't discuss everything, but for the most part they will (hopefully) be for the better. For one, I'm quitting my job with the kids and going into a completely different field that is said to be cut-throat and brutal (although something related to my undergrad major). I'm also prepping to shoot a short I wrote and plan to direct and that has been a hectic endeavour (trying to write it to my liking and then getting money), but I'm hoping a certain opportunity comes through by my projected shooting time in late summer. I'm also trying to get my stuff together for grad school. I have my eyes set on a specific one for their program, but I'm researching other options as well. Honestly, these changes I just mentioned are directly related to grad school; I'm trying to build up some of my background so I can appear to be a stronger candidate for what I'm going into.

These are a lot of changes as you can imagine and I can't do this emotionally alone. It takes a lot for me to get up and do stuff for myself and I've been trying my dam-nest to remain calm so that I don't spiral out of control. I have a great support system which includes a mix of family, friends and mentors. I stopped being sad that I can't go the traditional route of sticking to immediate family like parents, but I learned that their lack of emotional support is not because they don't care, it's because they don't know or understand what or why I do the things I do. My parents and grandmother (and most of my older cousins and aunts) had a very different life path. I remember upon wanting to move out, my grandmother's first reaction was that she didn't understand why a girl feels the need to get away from her family. Besides my situation being toxic, I knew that if I stayed with my family I would not have been able to start finding myself. Of course at the time I was 17/18 and didn't know how to verbalize why it was important.

I tried to do things their way--I didn't go away for college and lived at home and that was literally a disaster, so I was out by the beginning of my second semester. It was not easy and I fell a lot and I had to talk to someone and try and get control of my situation. Looking back now, I would NOT have done a lot of the things I did initially, not that I regret but you know, just wish I would've know the alternatives. But I didn't know who or how to reach out, because I thought the only people who were supposed to know you were blood related family, and most importantly your parents. So naturally I felt scared and alone.

I timidly reached out to folks. I was genuinely surprised and suspicious of people who were not related to me trying to help who didn't appear to have a motive. It made me go back to those who were clearly not helping me (blood family) but who I was used to. I went through a brutal emotional cycle of trying to go back to folks who I knew couldn't help me (or believe my issues were real) and then back to a supportive group of people. I finally reached out to my father and he helped me through a big chunk of my problem because part of it was his. While my grandmother reminded me that she loved and cared for me and that she didn't hate me she still didn't get it at all. After a while I forced myself to stay around the people I deemed helpful, and from that batch I was able to weed out even more folks that weren't exactly good for me and that (un)fortunately led me away from my family. I still kept in contact but I made a point not to show up to places where certain relatives would be alone because I still needed the support.

When my relationship first ended with Mr. Smooth a year ago (wow time flies) I instantly knew the people I could reach out to. It was not my mother and it was not my father, and I didn't even tell my grandmother until a week or so later. It was the people who had my back before, and it did include Whole Sister and one of my cousins who is my same age. My mother reached out to me telling me that at some point I would have to tell her what was going on, but I had to ignore it. My father somewhat awkwardly tried to help and while I let him I realized he honestly had no clue what to do, and that was okay because I already had my people, my family. When I made the decision to try and work it out with him, I turned to someone who I knew had been through something similar and would understand. I love her for it because she told me something that not only helped my relationship decision, but my outlook on myself as a person.

I'm scared a lot you know. I'll admit it that I'm scared of messing up, of someone telling me I told you so. I get overemotional when someone tells me that they are proud of me because I did not hear that a lot growing up even when I did things "right." I told my friend that I had gotten the new job and he congratulated me and immediately suggested we gather a crew and celebrate. It surprised me because I thought well, if he wanted to hang out why did he have to use my news as an occassion (after all, we had gone out probably a week or so before, partying the night away with friends) but I realized that as a friend he honestly just wanted to celebrate my news, and that I need to stop thinking cynical. This thought still creeps in every so often.

When I talk to my grandmother, I tell her about the people I know and met and my experiences. She reads my hair blog and tells others of what I do and always asks about Mr. Smooth and his family and my father and his family. She'll even ask about certain friends she knows of (not by name, because she's terrible at that. She still calls me by my mother's name). She encourages me to reach out to others outside the family who can help me with things. She also mentioned to me in a recent conversation that she's proud that I seem to know more about my self-worth, something that not many women can find. It's hard being a young person, she said. But you're enjoying your life and you're loved, so what else can any of us [family] ask for?


PS I like this song. And what are other folk's "chosen" family dynamics?